Zoo Job
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Selasa, 18 Mei 2010
Radio Conversation
This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
- This is a lighthouse. Your call.
This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
- This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Alligators in the Pool
A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.
The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.
The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!"
A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.
The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.
The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!"
Smart Student
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
Catch a Rabbit
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Kamis, 13 Mei 2010
Avenged Sevenfold – A Little Piece Of Heaven
Before the story begins, is it such a sin,
For me to take what’s mine, until the end of time?
We were more than friends, before the story ends,
And I will take what’s mine, create what
God would never design
*courtesy of LirikLaguIndonesia.net
Our love had been so strong for far too long,
I was weak with fear that
Something would go wrong,
Before the possibilities came true,
I took all possibility from you
Almost laughed myself to tears,
(Hahahaha! )
Conjuring her deepest fears
(Come Here You Fucking Bitch! )
Must have stabbed her fifty fucking times,
I can’t believe it,
Ripped her heart out right before her eyes,
Eyes over easy, eat it, eat it, eat it!
She was never this good in bed
Even when she was sleepin’
Now she’s just so perfect I’ve
Never been quite so fucking deep in
It goes on, and on, and on,
I can keep you lookin’ young and preserved forever,
With a fountain to spray on your youth whenever
‘Cause I really always knew that my little crime
Would be cold that’s why I got a heater for your thighs
And I know, I know it’s not your time
But bye, bye.
And a word to the wise when the fire dies,
You think it’s over but it’s just begun
But baby don’t cry
You had my heart, at least for the most part
‘Cause everybody’s gotta die sometime, we fell apart
Let’s make a new start
‘Cause everybody’s gotta die sometime (yeah)
But baby don’t cry
Now possibilities I’d never considered,
Are occurring the likes of which I’d never heard,
Now an angry soul comes back from beyond the grave,
To repossess a body with which I’d misbehaved
Smiling right from ear to ear
Almost laughed herself to tears
Must have stabbed him fifty fucking times
I can’t believe it
Ripped his heart out right before his eyes
Eyes over easy
Eat it, eat it, eat it
Now that it’s done I realize the error of my ways
I must venture back to apologize from somewhere far beyond the grave
I gotta make up for what I’ve done
‘Cause I was all up in a piece of heaven
While you burned in hell, no peace forever
‘Cause I really always knew that my little crime
Would be cold that’s why I got a heater for your thighs
And I know, I know it’s not your time
But bye, bye
And a word to the wise when the fire dies
You think it’s over but it’s just begun
But baby don’t cry
You had my heart, at least for the most part
‘Cause everybody’s gotta die sometime, we fell apart
Let’s make a new start
‘Cause everybody’s gotta die sometime (yeah)
But baby don’t cry
I will suffer for so long
(What will you do, not long enough)
To make it up to you
(I pray to God that you do)
I’ll do whatever you want me to do
(Well then I’ll grant you one chance)
And if it’s not enough
(If it’s not enough, If it’s not enough)
If it’s not enough
(Not enough)
Try again
(Try again)
And again
(And again)
Over and over again
We’re coming back, coming back
We’ll live forever, live forever
Let’s have wedding, have a wedding
Let’s start the killing, start the killing
Do you take this man in death for the rest of your unnatural life?
(Yes, I do.)
Do you take this woman in death for the rest of your unnatural life?
(I do)
I now pronounce you…
‘Cause I really always knew that my little crime
Would be cold that’s why I got a heater for your thighs
And I know, I know it’s not your time
But bye, bye
And a word to the wise when the fire dies
You think it’s over but it’s just begun
But baby don’t cry
You had my heart, at least for the most part
‘Cause everybody’s gotta die sometime, we fell apart
Let’s make a new start
‘Cause everybody’s gotta die sometime yeah
But baby don’t cry
Before the story begins, is it such a sin,
For me to take what’s mine, until the end of time?
We were more than friends, before the story ends,
And I will take what’s mine, create what
God would never design
*courtesy of LirikLaguIndonesia.net
Our love had been so strong for far too long,
I was weak with fear that
Something would go wrong,
Before the possibilities came true,
I took all possibility from you
Almost laughed myself to tears,
(Hahahaha! )
Conjuring her deepest fears
(Come Here You Fucking Bitch! )
Must have stabbed her fifty fucking times,
I can’t believe it,
Ripped her heart out right before her eyes,
Eyes over easy, eat it, eat it, eat it!
She was never this good in bed
Even when she was sleepin’
Now she’s just so perfect I’ve
Never been quite so fucking deep in
It goes on, and on, and on,
I can keep you lookin’ young and preserved forever,
With a fountain to spray on your youth whenever
‘Cause I really always knew that my little crime
Would be cold that’s why I got a heater for your thighs
And I know, I know it’s not your time
But bye, bye.
And a word to the wise when the fire dies,
You think it’s over but it’s just begun
But baby don’t cry
You had my heart, at least for the most part
‘Cause everybody’s gotta die sometime, we fell apart
Let’s make a new start
‘Cause everybody’s gotta die sometime (yeah)
But baby don’t cry
Now possibilities I’d never considered,
Are occurring the likes of which I’d never heard,
Now an angry soul comes back from beyond the grave,
To repossess a body with which I’d misbehaved
Smiling right from ear to ear
Almost laughed herself to tears
Must have stabbed him fifty fucking times
I can’t believe it
Ripped his heart out right before his eyes
Eyes over easy
Eat it, eat it, eat it
Now that it’s done I realize the error of my ways
I must venture back to apologize from somewhere far beyond the grave
I gotta make up for what I’ve done
‘Cause I was all up in a piece of heaven
While you burned in hell, no peace forever
‘Cause I really always knew that my little crime
Would be cold that’s why I got a heater for your thighs
And I know, I know it’s not your time
But bye, bye
And a word to the wise when the fire dies
You think it’s over but it’s just begun
But baby don’t cry
You had my heart, at least for the most part
‘Cause everybody’s gotta die sometime, we fell apart
Let’s make a new start
‘Cause everybody’s gotta die sometime (yeah)
But baby don’t cry
I will suffer for so long
(What will you do, not long enough)
To make it up to you
(I pray to God that you do)
I’ll do whatever you want me to do
(Well then I’ll grant you one chance)
And if it’s not enough
(If it’s not enough, If it’s not enough)
If it’s not enough
(Not enough)
Try again
(Try again)
And again
(And again)
Over and over again
We’re coming back, coming back
We’ll live forever, live forever
Let’s have wedding, have a wedding
Let’s start the killing, start the killing
Do you take this man in death for the rest of your unnatural life?
(Yes, I do.)
Do you take this woman in death for the rest of your unnatural life?
(I do)
I now pronounce you…
‘Cause I really always knew that my little crime
Would be cold that’s why I got a heater for your thighs
And I know, I know it’s not your time
But bye, bye
And a word to the wise when the fire dies
You think it’s over but it’s just begun
But baby don’t cry
You had my heart, at least for the most part
‘Cause everybody’s gotta die sometime, we fell apart
Let’s make a new start
‘Cause everybody’s gotta die sometime yeah
But baby don’t cry
Avenged sevenfold – Dear God
A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can’t help but wish that I was there
Back where I’d love to be, oh yeah
*courtesy of LirikLaguIndonesia.net
Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I’m not around
When I’m much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I’d stayed
‘Cause I’m lonely and I’m tired
I’m missing you again, oh no
Once again
There’s nothing here for me on this barren road
There’s no one here while the city sleeps
And all the shops are closed
Can’t help but think of the times I’ve had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah
Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I’m not around,
When I’m much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I’d stayed
‘Cause I’m lonely and I’m tired
I’m missing you again oh no
Once again
Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade…
A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Hope is hard to find
Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I’m not around,
When I’m much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I’d stayed
‘Cause I’m lonely and I’m tired
I’m missing you again oh no
Once again
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